From the Office of the President, John J. DeGioia

Dear Members of the Georgetown University Community,

As we return to in-person learning this Fall, many of you have doubtless noticed that quite a few things have changed here on the Hilltop since last we met. You may also be wondering, given the skyrocketing cost of your tuition, whether or not your money is being put to good use. Well, fear not, for I am here to give an important update on the state of the various construction projects happening on campus. Allow me to enumerate just some of the many things that we have accomplished while you were away from Georgetown:

Firstly, after many years of work and millions of dollars spent, we have successfully pulled off the gargantuan feat of moving the stands from one side of Cooper Field to the other. They said we couldn’t do it. They said, “that’s dumb, no one even goes to football games anyway.” But we did it. No longer must we endure the eyesore that was having stands on the east side of the field, but we may revel in the glory that is having the stands on the west side of the field. Doubtless, this feat alone is worth all the money we gamb- er, spent, on this massive project. 

But that’s not all.

No, indeed, we have revamped the entire gameday experience for our devoted Georgetown Football fans. Whereas before fans had to make use of porta-potties to relieve themselves, we have now installed state-of-the-art restrooms that do not work. Furthermore, we have removed the trash bag from the urinal in the Lau 3 men’s restroom, although we have not fixed the urinal. Finally, we have spared no expense in ensuring that there are unidentifiable stains on the walls of the ICC bathrooms at all times. We expect you will all enjoy these improvements to our common home just as much as we enjoyed the poker games we played using your tuition money.

Sincerely,

John J. DeGioia