In what is expected to become an annual tradition from here on out, a joint announcement was made by the United Nations, Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, the EU, the legislative and executive branches of every national government, Elon Musk, al-Qaeda, Major League Baseball, Big Tech, Big Pharma, Big Geology, ISIS, Pope Francis, Florida Man, God, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, every scientist everywhere, and Wayne Gretzky that nothing newsworthy will occur for the next three months. This global hiatus from general occurrences was agreed upon out of respect for the fact that the Georgetown Heckler, the publication from which all news organizations in every language in every country across the globe ultimately get their content, really needs a nice three-month vacation.
UN Secretary-General António Guterres stated in a press conference that “everyone just needs to chill out for a bit,” and “maybe play some Minecraft or something.” “We can get back to all the war, terrorism, sports, and stuff when the Heckler comes back in late August. Until then, whatever you do, don’t do anything significant enough that other people have to talk about it.”
Journalists around the world, such as CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, acknowledged that, while they would be temporarily out of a job, the freeze was a necessary move. “I may not be able to afford to feed my collection of parrots that can perfectly harmonize when singing “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” the fresh papaya they crave,” said Blitzer, “but I can recognize that that is a sacrifice I, and my parrots, will have to make for the good of the Heckler.”
In a statement, Heckler editor-in-chief Alfred Conkling Coxe Jr. announced that the entire writing staff would be vacationing in Miami Beach, and that all are welcome to come party. “Everyone is welcome, and I mean everyone. Freaks and geeks, babes and Daves, gays and theys – just be ready to part-ay. Just don’t be a snitch and tell any news crews about it, or we’ll have to go back to when events just kept occurring. Man, was that exhausting!”
Coxe also noted that the event was “BYOLSD.” The Heckler will return in August, assuming any of its staff survives.
