Seeking treatment for his intense, anxiety-induced sleep deprivation, Michael Morris (COL’25) was shocked to hear CAPS’ half-baked solution to his pressing health needs.

“Listen, kid,” muttered an LCSW in between drags of a cigarette. “I’m at fucking rock bottom here. There was once a time where kids would just bottle up their depression and anxiety like real men, blowing gargantuan loads out on the sticky pages of whatever Sports Illustrated mag they could get their hands on. Now it’s all therapy this, I’m-consistently-going-to-sleep-on- an-empty-stomach-because-of-Leo’s-lines that. Jesus fucking Christ. Just rub one out like the rest of us, will you? They don’t call it Nature’s Melatonin for nothing. You’ll go to sleep like a fucking baby, man, honestly. Great for your prostate too!”

Horrified by this advice, Morris pressed the social worker for more sustainable, long-term solutions, receiving only one-word replies of “Weed” and “Transfer.” Reports indicate that Morris was provided a half-empty bottle of lotion on his way out the door, which he begrudgingly accepted.