“I did NOT have textual relations with that INTERNational publication,” claimed former Editor-in-Chief Alfred Conlkling Coxe, Jr. as he was escorted from The Heckler’s secret headquarters on Friday, December 17. Coxe has been accused of treason by an anonymous whistleblower who hacked into his Google Calendar, where they found an event labeled “The Caraval: Interest Meeting” back in September 2018. 

“The evidence is pretty damning,” says staff writer Bushrod Washington. “It sucks that we have to find another Editor-in-Chief, but at least we don’t have to vote on restructuring our whole organization. Now that would be embarrassing.” 

According to Washington, the primary votes consisted mostly of write-ins with favorites such as Bob Groves, a Classics major named Horatio, and the Picchi Multimedia Room. It looks to be a tough election for The Heckler. Good thing that polls show that only 20% of the student body cares.