WASHINGTON DC — A group of new COVID variants has petitioned the National Panhellenic Conference to allow them to form a new sorority.

With the recent arrival of the Omicron variant and Delta gaining traction over the last summer, the COVID variants are afraid of losing relevance and have decided to unite and form a new sorority: Delta Omicron Theta Mu. 

Delta and Omicron are here right now, but they anticipate the arrival and recruitment of new chapter ambassadors Theta and Mu if you fuckers don’t get fucking vaccinated or get your booster shots in a timely manner.

Said Delta, “For a second I really thought I was going down. But now that all these anti-vaxxers won’t get the vaccine, my popularity has shot through the roof and I can recruit even more variants for the sorority! #sistersforlyfe amirite?”

Omicron’s a new recruit, but she also tells us that vaccine nationalism, wherein rich countries strike deals to supply vaccines for their own populations whilst leaving the rest of the world behind, has provided a powerful path to her newfound popularity.

“Initially I thought that there would be an equitable distribution of resources and that all frontline workers and vulnerable people across the world would get the vaccine first, making me less relevant, but that ended up not being the case! Low-risk people in first-world countries are getting the vaccine first, instead of frontline workers and vulnerable people across the developing world. Funny thing is, many of them won’t even take it and even protest against it! This will really give me the clout that I need to transmit COVID to even more people to lead our sorority to become the most popular group on campus.” 

Currently, Delta and Omicron are anxiously awaiting the arrival of variants Theta and Mu to sign on to their petition to the National Panhellenic Conference. They say their mission is to be an inclusive space for all kinds of COVID variants––no matter the length of their spike proteins, location of origin, or their transmissibility and fatality, all variants are welcome at Delta Omicron Theta Mu.