The big-dicked, big stick carrier is back! Trustbuster and former president Teddy Roosevelt somehow returned from the dead and made his way to Georgetown, navigating entirely by a contempt for monopolies, as a century of decomposition destroyed his eyes. “The Corp is so much worse than Nestlé and Amazon,” he was heard saying before setting down a pail of gasoline and a wet towel. He continued, “No more speaking softly! Today, Teddy’s gonna break some shit!”

Naturally, the antitrust icon found the largest stick on the campus grounds and wrapped it with his gasoline-soaked towel. “Horizontally integrate these nuts,” he was heard yelling while torching Hoya Snaxa. Then, “This is just like the Northern Securities Company! I still remember the smells of their charred, non-competitive, and monopolizing corpses.” After doing the same to Uncommon Grounds, Hilltoss, and the other Corp storefronts, Roosevelt departed to exert aggressive military influence on Latin America. Rejoice! The Corp is no more! Teddy Roosevelt – a true hero to Georgetown!