You: An Ivy League* educated lawyer specializing in “alleged” financial obstruction (covering up financial obstruction, not preventing it. To be clear). Preferably one who graduated summa cum laude (trust me, we’ll need it).

Us: The desperate administration of an unnamed “elite” University that has fallen on hard times. “Allegedly” of our own making.

Offer: We pay you a shit-ton of money to get us out of the legal situation we have “allegedly” gotten ourselves into with financial… indiscretions. If you are worried these indiscretions mean we aren’t good for the aforementioned shit-ton of money, you should be. “Allegedly.”

*And none of this “Ivy League adjacent” crap. We need the real deal. Job does not come with health insurance or a 401k match.