I’m a white guy, but don’t worry––it’s cool. I’m one of the good ones. I totally recognize my privilege and I’m like an ally and stuff too.

And not to flex, but today I was such a good ally when I called out this sexist author in my IR Class. We’re learning about realism and I had to read “History of the Peloponnesian War” by this old white guy (first red flag right there!) named Thucydides and guess what?? The book didn’t even pass the Bechdel test!!

I was so shocked and appalled––so shocked, that even the women in the class weren’t as shocked and appalled as me. I think they didn’t react because they were busy processing their grief, so as an ally, it’s up to me to speak up and do the right thing.

I mean seriously––the Bechdel test is not that hard to pass? Not only are two women not talking to each other about something other than a man in the book; there aren’t even two women!! How are we supposed to radically deconstruct the hegemonic Western cisheteropatriarchy if there aren’t even women in the book?

Since I’m a feminist (I hate Jake Gyllenhaal!), I brought this up to my professor, but after the fourth time I mentioned it, she ignored me. Geez, internalized misogyny much?

What really upsets me is when Thucydides talks about how Athens killed all the men in Melos and enslaved the women and children. Excuse me? Treat them equally if you’re going to kill––kill ALL the adults and stop grouping women with the children. Women are adults and don’t deserve to be infantilized. 

Oh my god and then I found out that Greek women didn’t even have equal rights! I mean, not that we’re perfect and all, because we live in a world where women are 47% more likely to be seriously injured in a car accident, but still! I’m like, crying because I feel so bad right now.

But since we’re talking about allyship, I have to be intersectional. I mean, where are all the BIPOC? The LGBTQ+ people? The women of color? Whatever happened to representation? We can’t just exclude people from our narratives because it’s convenient or because “they literally weren’t even part of this historical period or region.”

Anyways, I’m really sorry that the Peloponnesian War doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test. Thucydides is a shitty guy and deserves to be canceled for this. If it were up to me, ladies, you’d totally be in the Peloponnesian War too.