The Heckler sent at least one correspondent (there might have been more, but we do not dare speak to each other) to the 95th Diplomatic Ball, whose name suggests the presence of diplomats, but more importantly the presence of big balls in my face. We will deliver our verdict with haste: there were far too many diplomats and far too few balls – in my face or otherwise.

The food was great. The open bar was convenient until enough people realized it was. The venue was imposing yet beautiful. But the balls were nowhere to be seen. Ambassadors, diplomats, and other people of great import mingled among wealthy Georgetown students, who will comprise the future elite of the Western world, except none of that really mattered because nobody’s balls were hanging loose and free. The bar and the sheer opportunity might have been well worth the steep ticket price for some, but we at The Georgetown Heckler cannot comprehend this perspective, especially when the dollar-to-exposed-ball ratio is undefined as one would need to divide over zero.

To the detriment of everybody involved, we will not be returning in 2024. 1 star.