The second Industrial Revolution has ushered in the era of the degenerate and the sinner. Accelerated by a rise in corporate capitalism, more and more of our supposed “free thinkers” are being poisoned by vice-stricken technology.

According to sources trusted by The Heckler, new polls now reveal that more American teenagers listen to rap music than eat stew. These debauchees are abandoning their Christian, traditional (beet)roots for the immoral, corrupted promise of rap music.

Pressed for comment, President John J. DeGioia describes his position: “These are certainly results that we don’t want to see. For now, I encourage the community to reflect and let these polls stew in their conscience.”