Interviewer: Kurt, you’ve done an excellent job thus far in the interview. So far, no candidates have been able to solve this math problem. In order to become the most consulting consultant, you must prove your advanced math skills.

Kurt: I’m ready! I’m ready! Ooh golly, I’m ready!

Interviewer: Okay here it goes: “Jill has three cookies. If Jill gives Bob two cookies, how many cookies does Jill have?”

Kurt: Oh boy, this one’s a toughy. Uhhhh….am I allowed to call my daddy?

Interviewer: No, you are not allowed to ask your father who works in finance for answers. Also, Georgetown consultants don’t call their fathers “daddy” anymore. We call them “boss.” Get with the program!

Kurt: I’m so sowwy, pwease don’t beat me up! 

Interviewer: Wha-why would I beat you up? C’mon Kurt solve the damn problem!

Kurt scribbles furiously on a piece of paper, taps aggressively at an Excel chart, and begins to sweat profusely.

Interviewer: Here take these tissues. Your sweat is dripping all over your polyester suit!

Kurt: Are the cookies nut, dairy, and gluten free?? 

Interviewer: Kurt, that has nothing to do with the problem.

Kurt: But I have allergies!! If I’m going to sell my soul into consulting, a profession that would amply support my trust fund, I should at least be able to have the peace of mind that the cookies in the math problem are not going to send me into anaphylaxis! I know, I know the cookies aren’t real, but you know what also isn’t real? Consulting! What the hell is a consulting club but a frat under the guise of college students in ill-fitting suits daring to become exactly like or less interesting than their already boring parents?? I have a real passion for wood whittling and you know what? I’m going to really pursue wood whittling instead of getting swept into the herd of sheeple college kids who are too scared to forge their own path!

The world explodes.