Healy Lawn was awash with confusion Wednesday morning after President John DeGioia climbed atop John Carroll with a shoddily-fashioned paraglider mounted on his back, screamed, “Later, bitch nerds!” and leaped from the lap of the statue, quickly hitting the ground due to a complete lack of buoyancy and spraining a clavicle.

In an interview with the Heckler from his hospital bed, the president explained that he had recently gone down a YouTube rabbit hole of base jumping videos, and felt he could “replicate their epic stylings” by crafting his own paraglider from cobwebs and coat hangers held together with rat droppings.

“This one base jumper, CodyStyle69, always opens up his videos with his cool, custom catchphrase: ‘What up base jump nation?’. I gathered if I wanted my base jump to go off without a hitch, I needed a catchphrase of my own. So I spent all night on Lau 5 last night writing it. Boy, have I really fucked the dog on this one.” President DeGioia chuckled to himself (or maybe to me? I’m not sure).

When asked about his catchphrase, the president admitted that part hadn’t gone according to plan, either.

“The catchphrase I had written was, ‘Get it up and drop it down. It’s time for Based Jumping with Johnny Nutbag!’ But once I was actually up there, my mind went blank. I forgot everything I had written. So I just ‘winged’ it.” President DeGioia winked after making the pun. Upon receiving no reaction, he assumed no one had seen the wink, and so winked again.

Fly high, John.