We’ve all been there: You’re walking with a friend of yours—one you might even say is your “best friend”—and when you two run into Professor Grimm, who asks how you know each other, you each simultaneously give two different answers. Two answers that differ in letter by only one word but differ in spirit by so much more. In moments like these, sometimes the better way out is the easy way out. So, for your (hopefully one-time) future reference, here are my five best rope knots for when you need them most!

Arbor Knot
Starting off with a curveball, the Arbor Knot is a unique—and, dare I say, ahead of its time—knot. Utilizing the inertia of a tree trunk or similarly immobile object, the Arbor Knot is the shining new star of all things knotty. It is, of course, not without its own hangups: you (obviously) and a lack of the drama and flair that truly motivates its use. Nonetheless, rest assured that your name will be the one on everyone’s lips if you opt for the Arbor Knot.

Hangman’s Knot
Now this one’s a classic. The eponymous knot of the classic chalkboard game we all know, love, and envy, this is one of the most commonly used knots-for-your-necks. The easy closure of this knot means you can scream out as many letters as you want, but the only thing that will get you down is a sharp blade or, perhaps, your “best friend” reciprocating the love with which you so adoringly shower them … that dick.

Cow Hitch (Loops)
Have a bovine feature or two you’re concerned about? You’re in luck! The Cow Hitch (Loops) is often used to secure animals such as, you guessed it, cows and other large livestock. This is a great option for those many, many, many of you readers concerned about an easy-to-tie yet hard-to-break knot. Believe you me—if it can secure a cow to a fence, it might be just enough to secure you to the Great Hereafter!

Uni Knot
Ahh, the old reliable. A slight variation on the Hangman’s Knot, the Uni Knot—sometimes wrongly called the Slipknot—alters the placement of the knot’s loops in order to create a bit more friction than its Hangman counterpart. The increased friction, while making the knot less likely to come undone, does make a broken neck more likely than strangulation. So, looking for a more drawn-out, dramatic option? The Uni Knot might be just the knot for you!

Poacher’s Knot
Originally used to trap game birds like the partridge or woodcock (hello!), the Poacher’s Knot is a more stout option for those of you concerned about, let’s be frank, the lack of neck. Not much real estate between those linebacker-esque shoulders and that unhinged receptacle of a jaw? Not to worry! The width of the Poacher’s Knot gives it more than enough room to breathe (jealous?) without slipping as it tightens around your neck.

Well, that’s it for me. Let me know your thoughts, and I’ll be sure to keep my eye on The Hoya’s obituaries (if I’ve done my job well). Until next time, I think I’m going to try all of these at once.

Your “good” friend,
U.S. Senator Mike Crapo (R-ID)