Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the three shots were heard, but others contest that he remained on the Knoll, watching the events unfold with a beer in one hand and a backwoods in the other. Either way, Partner was most definitely at the scene of the Kennedy crime, nonchalant and relaxed.

One witness reports seeing Partner with a Glock 19, slowly caressing the barrel, kissing the tip, then whispering, “We did it, Bessy.” This eyewitness report cannot be confirmed, as it was offered by his (alleged, unconfirmed) archnemesis Mork Bisigma, 14. Investigators have detained the teen in the time since his testimony, hoping to glean more information on the possible nefarious lifestyle of Partner. 

Recent deep-dives into Partner’s social media accounts unearthed a plethora of Glock-related tributes, including one photo of him in bed, surrounded by Glock 19s, 43s, and 26s. The caption was, “ALL DESE GLOCKS BUT DEY STILL DONT MAKE A 69.”

One can only assume this bizarre obsession would be related to the incident on the Knoll last week, but further investigations can only tell for sure. We at the Heckler will undoubtedly keep you, our patriotic, true American followers, updated on the case.