Early reports indicated that nobody cared why he was happy, they just wanted him to stop.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Family and friends announced with confidence today that Carter-era Vice President Walter Mondale remains a living human being. The 1984 democratic presidential nominee has been reported as walking, interacting with other people, and sleeping at regular intervals. Despite frequent references to being a senator in the 1960s, Mondale seems to have a […]

LEAVEY CENTER — In hopes of boosting the realism and turnout for their upcoming “Murder Mystery Dinner” in Hoya Court, Georgetown Program Board member Colin Bligh (COL ’18) has authorized his clubmates to gruesomely kill him at the outset of the event. “It will be a really fun night for students to break out of […]

ROCHESTER, MN – Biologists at the Mayo Clinic published a report on Tuesday, representing the culmination of years of research starting in 2010. The report contained the astonishing conclusion that the last baby to grow up to be a Republican has already been born. “This either happened faster than expected or took way longer than it should […]

DUPONT CIRCLE — Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and letting loose a satisfied yawn, local man Jonathan Fitzpatrick expressed to sources late Sunday afternoon that after a long, restful night’s sleep, the 34 year old security guard was ready to focus on feeling shitty about the other things in his life. “I must have […]

photo from Unsung Heroes HFSC — Having forgotten to purchase a round-trip ticket, the students of ‘Unsung Heroes’, scrambled throughout Monday night to raise the funds needed to purchase Suru Ripai a flight back to Washington. The student organization collected more than $5,000 in donations to send the cherished dining hall employee to South Sudan, the region from which he left […]

Georgetown, You might have read the news we covered this morning regarding an NHS student excited about contracting  a foreign disease. To the students, faculty, and staff of the NHS, and on behalf of The Heckler, I apologize. Not because of the content of the article – by that I still stand – but because this morning marked the […]

SANTIAGO — As NHS junior Jordan Smith (NHS ’18) discussed her experience abroad in a phone interview, she made sure to emphasize her excitement at the prospect of coming down with a cool infection or hosting an exotic virus that she would not ordinarily come across in Washington. “Studying abroad is an amazing opportunity to […]

LEAVEY CENTER — Citing numerous online health articles and questionable financial statistics, the Corp revealed its plans on Sunday to convert Yates Field House into one huge SoulCycle over the next five years. “We felt that the old model of going to the gym and exercising however you’d like is outdated. We at the Corp […]

“This wasn’t necessary until you put all of those chairs there,” said the prophet.