“This guy’s operating on another fuckin’ level,” said one onlooker as the senior created a dual line graph.

LAND WITHOUT TIME — On what should have been a regular afternoon tour for Blue and Gray veteran tour guide Martha Anderson (COL ’16), things quickly got out of hand. “I was just doing our regular route, right out White Gravenor and through to Copley Lawn, but when I turned to get onto the lawn…” […]

REISS — As the clock neared 6:10 PM this Thursday in Reiss, multiple students reported that it looked like ethics Professor Joanne Martin was going to keep lecturing right up to the last fucking minute. “Oh god, he’s introducing a new topic with only 5 minutes left in class. There’s no way this guy lets us bail even […]

WHITE GRAVENOR — On Tuesday, myopic student Kyle Evans (COL ’18) chose a front row seat in his 9:00 am history class and unintentionally signaled to history professor Dr. Clarissa Collins that he was intellectually invested in, and prepared to discuss, the course material.  “Now, who has any thoughts on the reading?” asked Collins as she locked eyes […]

M STREET, GEORGETOWN — After working through several dry bites of rice and black beans, SFS sophomore Jeff Sadler (SFS ’18) excitedly told sources he had finally hit an enormous guacamole vein running through the center left side of his Chipotle burrito. “It was tough going at, first I’m not gonna lie. When mouthful after mouthful […]

Early reports indicated that nobody cared why he was happy, they just wanted him to stop.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Family and friends announced with confidence today that Carter-era Vice President Walter Mondale remains a living human being. The 1984 democratic presidential nominee has been reported as walking, interacting with other people, and sleeping at regular intervals. Despite frequent references to being a senator in the 1960s, Mondale seems to have a […]

LEAVEY CENTER — In hopes of boosting the realism and turnout for their upcoming “Murder Mystery Dinner” in Hoya Court, Georgetown Program Board member Colin Bligh (COL ’18) has authorized his clubmates to gruesomely kill him at the outset of the event. “It will be a really fun night for students to break out of […]

ROCHESTER, MN – Biologists at the Mayo Clinic published a report on Tuesday, representing the culmination of years of research starting in 2010. The report contained the astonishing conclusion that the last baby to grow up to be a Republican has already been born. “This either happened faster than expected or took way longer than it should […]

DUPONT CIRCLE — Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and letting loose a satisfied yawn, local man Jonathan Fitzpatrick expressed to sources late Sunday afternoon that after a long, restful night’s sleep, the 34 year old security guard was ready to focus on feeling shitty about the other things in his life. “I must have […]