1) Sleeping near your cell phone The jury is still out for how unsafe this really is, but who needs your phone that close to you while your sleep anyway? A nearby night stand is a safer bet. 2) Eating meat from fast food restaurants The heavy use of preservatives cause some who err on the […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR HALL – After realizing he was “losing them” 45 minutes into an hour and fifteen minute lecture, the tenured English professor Dr. Burgess reportedly called King Laius of the story of Oedipus a “dick” in a last-ditch effort to persuade the remaining students to not drop his class. “So when he ordered the ankles to be […]

At Hofstra University, two podiums flanking a bald eagle each face my desk. As the American public tunes in to the debate tonight, all eyes will be on one person: me. Tonight, I will decide who gets to be President of the United States.   It was my honor to accept NBC’s offer to pick […]

1) Moving Healy slightly to the left (Class of 1975) Talk about a campus shift! This minor change caused many students to bump into a myriad of doors, walls, and portals!   2) Monica Lewinsky Scandal (Class of 1968) No explanation needed here. This one had us all on the floor!   3) Rolling clock hands back […]

LIVING ROOM — The creepy-crawly community was in solemn mourning today as the Bug Intelligence Service announced that the death toll from the barbaric ceiling light above the coffee table has risen to 18 since the beginning of the month. “The situation has been heating up,” chirped Mayor Adalbert McCricket, “The families of those insects […]

Docendo discimus, or in English: “By teaching, we learn.” That was the inspirational quote that I found through Google before starting to write this opinion bit reflecting on how much I have learned in my 9-year career as a flight attendant with JetBlue. You see, before every flight, when I show you how to fasten […]

GASTON — At Georgetown’s oceans preservation summit this past Friday, the Hilltop welcomed guest panelist and oceanic expert Vince – the heartthrob star of Aquaman as depicted in HBO’s documentary series “Entourage” – as well as the older gentleman who lives on O Street near Wisconsin Ave. to talk about the need for preserving the health of our […]

ALLENTOWN, MD – A political controversy arose in Allentown after citizens elected a figurehead mayor, local dog Spot Stanley, only to be shocked as Spot immediately ordered a sweeping series of budget cuts to entitlement and public housing programs. A press conference was held only hours after the “swearing in”, attended mostly by small children and their […]

BURLINGTON, VT – Senator Bernie Sanders spent the week reshingling the roof of his Vermont home with leftover yard signs from his unsuccessful presidential campaign. “They weren’t doing any good in the garage,” explained the lawmaker while taking a seltzer break, “This way I avoid the huge prices maintained by the construction industry, and I’ll be […]

University Policy: Georgetown feels that officially affiliating with one organization with sexual abuse scandals will suffice. Applying: Surprisingly refreshing for a Georgetown club to admit they just dislike you as a person. Housing: Just as awful as everyone’s. Hazing: Never heard of it. Purpose: Some Greek organizations are social, others are pre-professional, all are alcohol-based. […]