“Herm… why, excuse me, madam…” spoke the foul-faced freshman. “I happened to notice this… sticker on your water bottle there, if one could call it that. Indeed, I must say… quite gauche. I could never stoop so low as to virtue signal on my medium of beverage, but I suppose not everyone at this ‘prestigious’ […]

Blimey! So the queen has finally kicked the bucket. Before you light a candle in your window (or break out your celebratory tea and crumpets), there’s one question you’ve got to answer: How are you going to make this groundbreaking, worldwide, historic event about you? If you want to be sad: make sure to post […]

Last weekend, GUPD Chief Jay Gruber attempted to catch students intending to commit the criminal offense of underage drinking. Surprisingly, no one tried to drink alcohol at the fake party. Here’s what real students had to say about it: “I mean, he’s at least 60 years old. Once we showed up, it was pretty clear […]

Sometimes, you really need to get your sexy, glasses-wearing, CULP boyfriend going. But how do you get them sufficiently revved up? Thankfully, we at The Heckler have compiled a list of things you can say to get their face out of a book and into your erogenous zones: “You’re such a voracious reader!” “It turns […]

There is a knock on the door— a chilled-out, playful rat-a-tat. When I open it, I can’t believe my eyes. Georgetown University President John DeGioia is standing at the door, suitcase in hand — and is that a neon St. Pauli girl sign? “Excited to join you in the bro-tel, man!” he exclaims, plugging in […]

Times are tough for pirates. Shipping vessels are more well-protected than ever, and newly unionized crewmates no longer offer the cheap, exploitable labor they used to. Such is the bind of the modern-day pirate captain. But in the modern world, careers are no longer as linear as they once were— and with pirate captains’ innate […]

Dear Blessed Student, There is a lot going on in the world. More specifically, Russia has declared war on Ukraine, and everyone seems to be scared shitless. When people are scared shitless about something, history would suggest that protests are on their way. We are writing to request that you avoid all anti-war protest events. […]

Local rolling backpack boy— Benjamin Johnston, NHS ‘25— laughs in the face of your offer of a sensual back massage. “What a ridiculous offer! Both of my scapulae are in immaculate condition! Why are you putting your hand on my thigh?” He may not understand personal intimacy, but keep in mind: Ben has never once […]

A Letter from the Editor: Dear Readers, My time at the Heckler has been wonderful so far, and I can’t wait to drive this ship into the ground with my winning combination of constant dedication but abysmal decision-making. I’ll admit, I was only barely accepted into the Heckler in a particularly sparse round of applications, […]