37th & O ST– This past week the Georgetown academic council was forced to take “drastic action” to combat grade inflation after many Georgetown professors reported that most students were receiving scores in the range of 92% – 97%.
“We aren’t set on numbers, but 5 or 6 GW students ought to do the trick,” said the Academic Council
The Director of the Academic Council issued a public statement this past Monday, “In an effort to bring the class averages down and decrease grade inflation we have begun to allow George Washington students into some of our classes.”
The program is designed to incorporate a few “academically elite” (by GW standards) GW students in each of the classes where inflation is a problem. Based on a complex algorithm that factors in SAT Score, GPA, and the fact that they go to GW, the registrar determined that their expected average grade in the class should deflate the overall class average.
The professor who constructed the algorithm was quoted saying, “If the median of the class was 89%, then we expect the GW students should be the extreme outliers.”
The projected 60% increase in C’s and D’s should normalize the average GPA for the following year once George Washington students have been fully integrated into the curriculum by January 11th.
There was an overwhelming response of snarky laughter when GU students were asked if they felt threatened by GW’s new presence on campus.
Samantha Winter (SFS ’16) responded, “I’m still getting letters from GW saying they’ll waive my application fee. I think this will be the best form of revenge.”
Jon Dwyer (COL ’15) said, “I’m pretty sure one of the reasons Georgetown is on a hill is so we can literally look down on them.”
George Newton (MSB ’17) told the Heckler he received admission into GW “just by copying and pasting the lyrics to Wrecking Ball for my essay on overcoming adversity.”
The news was received in a much more mixed fashion at George Washington.
Surprisingly the Heckler was unable to find anyone at George Washington who admitted they had applied to Georgetown or was interested in the program but after each interview every subject was seen sprinting in the direction of Georgetown.
When one member of the academic council proposed that Georgetown allow American or Catholic Students into classes as opposed to GW students the council overwhelmingly responded with self-indulgent laughter, “Does it really matter? It’s not Georgetown.”