HEALY – Coinciding with the massive spike in the cost of higher education, along with the growing prospects of underemployment, thousands of American high school seniors have opted to explode upwards of $200,000 as a better use of their money.
“Explosions are fucking sweet,” explained 18 year old Charlie Burns, a graduating high schooler from Canton, OH.
Burns, who got a 2350 on his SAT Exams, says that the thrill of seeing $200,000 laid out in cash could only be topped by, “counting to ten, pushing a button, and watching that pile of my parents’ hard work just get absolutely eviscerated.”
Charlie’s parents, Kevin and Olivia, said that they sat down with their son and reached what they call the “dynamite compromise”.
Said Olivia, “We figured that the cost of applications, tours, books, housing, meal plans, and then tuition couldn’t possibly be worth it. This is, by far, a better use of our money.”
Private companies have already formed to help advise parents and their children through the explosion process.
“We just want to make sure that every child has the opportunity and guidance to explode their parents’ money in the way that’s a good fit for them,” said John Fitzsimmons, founder of “Squander Solutions”. Squander formed in late 2014 as a nonprofit, helping kids who might not have access to $200,000 to get the opportunity to somehow destroy that amount of money.
“Money-exploding is an opportunity no student should miss out on,” said Fitzsimmons.
Many current college students have already seen the benefits of exploding their money, and are transferring to take that option up as soon as possible.
Joanne Rice (COL, ‘16), a philosophy major, says she has decided to stop spending tuition money and to save up in hopes of causing a “really big money explosion one day”.
“I’ve taken 24 classes here at Georgetown, and I’ve learned three, maybe four things that can help me get a job,” said Rice. “I’d much rather try my hand at being creative with my resources.”
Rice says she plans on taking her money out onto a boat and then gently lowering it to the bottom of the ocean.