ST. MARY’S HALL: A ground-breaking new report released this week by the Department of Mathematics reveals that exactly 50% of Georgetown students are ‘below average’ in their academic performance.

The report has been received by many with uproar and shock.

“Frankly, I’m astonished,” said student body president Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15). “We all were selected to attend Georgetown because we had succeeded above and beyond the reach of our peers—how does it follow that half of us are in fact ‘below average?”

Many others protesting outside St. Mary’s as of seven PM this evening echo his sentiment. “As a student body, we’re told that we’re extraordinary a few times a day,” complained a protestor outside the Math Department. “At least 80% of us are above average.”

In reaction to the news, students have begun looking for ways to edge out of the bottom 50%, like snagging an extra internship on the Hill and attending more networking events.

“I thought I had escaped the clutches of math when I declared my theology major,” said protestor Annie Owens (COL ’17). “Sadly, math continues to ruin my day, even at Georgetown. And you know what’s below average?” She yelled incoherently. “Math is below average!”

Suggestions to expel the below average students were received with affirming yells.