HENLE VILLAGE – Expressing yet another complaint about their ground floor Henle apartment, the Ratcliffe family (made up of six brown rats) has come to believe that several college students have taken up residence in their home.

“I think I can hear them rustling around every morning at around 11, making those awful noises,” stated the Ratcliffe family patriarch, Remy.  “My wife and I will emerge from our bedroom behind the cabinet and there will be empty pizza boxes and the occasional layer of shed human skin – well, ‘shirts’ as they’re known in the scientific community.”

According to Remy, the student problem has been ongoing since early September, though he believed he had successfully scared them away for a few weeks in December and March.  Maintenance has yet to respond, and DIY extermination techniques have been ineffective thus far.

“We tried to kill them by leaving large quantities of alcohol in the apartment, which, as you know, is poisonous to humans.  Not only did they drink it, but they actually seemed to enjoy it.  My children shouldn’t have to live in fear of acquiring the illnesses those things carry!”

At press time, Mr. Ratcliffe told the Heckler that if the infestation of vermin was not taken care of within the week, they’d request a move to Darnall – one of the only locations on campus  known for its inability to sustain college student life.