WASHINGTON – Election season is in full swing on the Hilltop, and students are preparing themselves for what should be an exciting few weeks of getting to know the candidates and their platforms. But the burning question is, of course, which duo is the favorite to win it all this year? We checked with some of the top pollsters and ran the numbers against existing election data from previous cycles, and we are now able to officially predict: nothing at all, because only 3 people have responded so far.
“It appears to be an extremely tight race,” reported GUSA analyst George McCabe (COL ’20) “in that all of the candidates pretty much have zero votes across the board. We even tried to use the three responses to get the slightest glimpse of the climate for this election season, but unfortunately 2 of the students responded ‘don’t know/don’t care.’ This election is truly anyone’s guess.”
Sources indicate that the third and final response appeared to be a legitimate vote for the Garet/Habon ticket upon first glance. Unfortunately, the student added under the ‘additional information’ section of the survey “disclaimer I’m super fucked up rn lmao,” according to the official report provided to us by McCabe. It’s up to the experts to decide what that could mean and whether it is useable data, but for now it appears that this race is as close and exciting as promised.
At press time, GUSA pollsters are updating their climate survey, making sure to include a section entitled “what is GUSA” this time around.