GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After spending over a century wandering the grounds where New South is now, a particularly unlucky Jesuit ghost has found himself eternally bound to the third men’s toilet stall on the second floor of New South.
According to university records, Friar Thomas McDonnell S.J. was buried on the south side of campus in 1843 after leading a life of giving and love. Unfortunately for the ghost of late Friar McDonnell, his grave is now directly over where freshman football player Brian Delle (COL ’21) spends his evenings after Taco Tuesdays.
“One time when I was using that stall, I heard a voice whisper in my ear,” said now sophomore, Darius Heath (MSB ’20), “it kept saying things like ‘remember to flush’ and ‘this is why you should eat more fiber’. It was really unnerving.”
Other students have reported similar paranormal activity occurring in the haunted stall, from messages about the Lord’s Forgiveness carved into the wall to a stern reminder to go to confession.
“I can’t help but feel bad for the ghost,” said oddly empathetic freshman, Marisa Johnson (SFS ’21), “I’ve seen what people do to those bathrooms. And he has to spend eternity just floating around in vomit and feces. Gross.”
Late at night, one can faintly hear the cries of the long-dead Friar, as he continues to grapple with the fact that he must spend the rest of time locked in with sweaty, constipated freshman.