LEAVEY CENTER — Citing numerous online health articles and questionable financial statistics, the Corp revealed its plans on Sunday to convert Yates Field House into one huge SoulCycle over the next five years. “We felt that the old model of going to the gym and exercising however you’d like is outdated. We at the Corp […]

“This wasn’t necessary until you put all of those chairs there,” said the prophet.

ICC — SFS senior and board member of multiple clubs Sandra Flannery (SFS ’17) turned some confused heads this morning when, after donning a pair of  blue joggers to class, declared to her peers that she was actually a “washed up girl”. “Call me a SWUG, but I didn’t feel like putting jeans on this […]

Why wasn’t I invited to this party?

As a guide for how you did: Anything under 100% is, “Jack and Anna are smirking. ‘Do you even know who’s fighting in Syria?’ they ask and then laugh. You walk away, ashamed you understand so little about international relations, but somehow knowing you definitely won’t learn more about it.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 100 years ago on October 5, 1892, our 23rd President forgot remembered to shave for the first mother’s annual visit to the White House. Crowds flocked all the way from Baltimore to South East DC, hoping to see one of Mrs. Harrison’s famous wise cracks about her son’s unkempt nature. Once word […]

DARNALL HALL – Earlier this week, reports came in that freshman Grace Stevens (COL ’18) was seen hugging each individual of the 20 person mob from her new club knocking on her door. “In one word: surreal. Just all the people who I’m guaranteed to love because they all applied to the same thing I applied to!” Stevens […]

1) Sleeping near your cell phone The jury is still out for how unsafe this really is, but who needs your phone that close to you while your sleep anyway? A nearby night stand is a safer bet. 2) Eating meat from fast food restaurants The heavy use of preservatives cause some who err on the […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR HALL – After realizing he was “losing them” 45 minutes into an hour and fifteen minute lecture, the tenured English professor Dr. Burgess reportedly called King Laius of the story of Oedipus a “dick” in a last-ditch effort to persuade the remaining students to not drop his class. “So when he ordered the ankles to be […]

At Hofstra University, two podiums flanking a bald eagle each face my desk. As the American public tunes in to the debate tonight, all eyes will be on one person: me. Tonight, I will decide who gets to be President of the United States.   It was my honor to accept NBC’s offer to pick […]