In an unexpected survey result, the general population of the student body has agreed by vast majority that “all energy-saving initiatives should be scrapped and the university should emit more carbon dioxide in hopes that climate change will cause another hurricane.”
The survey, which came on the heels of the uniquely decent Grab ’n’ Go served during Hurricane Sandy, found that if regularly occurring tropical storms and hurricanes are the trade-off required for the food service that students desire, then so be it.
All parties involved have reached the general consensus that the hurricane has vastly improved Leo’s service.
“I normally have to give somebody a contractually obligated dirty look when I see them walking out of here with a half dozen bananas in each hand,” one worker said. “Now, I don’t even have to pretend to give a shit!”
Other Leo’s workers were equally optimistic.
“Our jobs were, essentially, to make sure they didn’t take the equipment,” another worker said.
Leo’s employees were uniform in their support for the hurricane. Their enthusiasm, however, was nothing compared to the enthusiasm felt by the student body.
“I was worried I would be unable to find good vegetarian options,” one herbivorous student said. “But I ended up walking out with the entire contents of the salad bar in my backpack. It was beyond awesome.”
This is not to say that the survey was not without its critics. Caroline Jameson (COL ’15), an environmental sciences major, had some poignant and timely remarks on the matter.
“As much as I loved Leo’s during the hurricane, if sea levels rise sufficiently, then Leo’s will be underwater and the point will be moot,” she said.
Upon hearing Jameson’s comments, the remaining students opposed to the idea immediately switched their position to pro-flooding Leo’s.
Rather than sit on their laurels, the student body has decided to act upon this consensus by hosting a communal trash-burn on Healy Lawn next week. Although tempers were expected to fade, the re-emergence of regular Grab ’n’ Go has rekindled all tempers, and the plans continue unhindered by flagging enthusiasm.
Some Leo’s employees have also pitched in, asserting that “normal weather sucks” and “we don’t like doing our jobs as much as you don’t like us doing our jobs.”
It remains to be seen whether worker opinion will have an effect on Grab ’n’ Go or not.
News that another Snowpocalypse might hit D.C. has also sparked enthusiasm from the campus community. The student body now generally agrees that tragedies are good and tranquility is bad, so long as we can get a decent meal.
