Taking what they have deemed as “the first step of the revolution,” Students of Georgetown, Inc., commonly known as The Corp, has completed a bloody and murderous coup of Saxbys, the popular coffee shop located just off campus.
The coup, which the The Corp is referring to as “The Courp,” took place at 6:30 a.m. this morning as Saxbys prepared for its morning coffee rush. Courp participants had been planning the attack for months, apparently attempting to completely corner the Georgetown market.
As Saxbys employees began preparing for the morning crowd, workers from Uncommon Grounds, More Uncommon Grounds and Midnight Mug snuck around back with sharpened coffee stirrers and butter knives in hand. Corp CFO Marion Racconti (MSB ’12) then walked into Saxbys with a buyout proposal, the third offered by The Corp in as many months. Upon rejection, Racconti nodded at the back corner wall, at which point six Corpies burst out of the back and left four Saxbys employees wounded with a variety of minor cuts and bruises. Having shown that they meant business, Corp employees gained sole ownership of the premises as Saxbys employees willingly surrendered control of the establishment.
The Corp has long pursued off-campus property, as has been publicly known since its failed takeover and resulting siege of Wisemiller’s last year, which continued until the much-heralded Chicken Madness Accords were signed.
Seeing their route down 36th Street blocked, The Corp decided to advance up O Street.
One anonymous source deep within Corp leadership revealed the student-run company’s strategy to The Heckler.
“We need to expand our territory and are willing to take hostile action to do so. For The Corp to live, Saxbys had to die. Such is the nature of business.”
Hoya Snaxa, the Corp-owned bodega located underneath the archway to Kennedy Hall, reportedly declined to participate in the attack. Reasoning that they did not sell coffee and had no quarrel with Saxbys, Snaxa employees refused to attack the prominent coffee shop unless CVS was attacked as well. Sensing that expanding territory to Wisconsin Avenue was something of an overextension, the deal fell through, and Hoya Snaxa opted out of the coalition.
Likewise, Vital Vittles employees voted to stay out of the attack.
“Last we checked, Vital Vittles has the market cornered on ping pong balls and cake mix,” Vittles manager Maria Josana (SFS ’13) said.
Vital Vittles blocked out Corp leaders attempting to enter the store with piles of their own massive profits.
Regardless of the losses to The Corp’s coalition, the strike on Saxbys was successful, and The Corp is looking to open a new location where the coffee shop used to stand. Rather than hire new staffers, The Corp figures it will just take the confused Saxbys workers who show up for work tomorrow. To save on rebranding costs, Saxbys will retain its name, logo and menu.
Upon hearing the news, the Leavey Center Starbucks began setting up barricades.
