Hi, welcome to More Uncommon Grounds. What would you like to order? Oh, you haven’t decided? By all means, take your time. What? No, it’s totally fine, it’s just that you were in line for like 10 minutes there. No, no, I totally get it. Take your time there. Wait, what? No, I don’t know whether the UG Love is better than a smoothie. Which smoothie did you mean? Just any smoothie? No, I can’t really answer that, but once again, take your time. I’m sorry, what did you just say? You’d like to taste test the Metropolitan? I can’t allow that, sorry. You want me to ask my manager? (Sigh.) Fine. I am contractually obligated to honor that request.

Okay, I asked my manager, and no, I can’t authorize that. Oh, you made up your mind? Wonderful. What’ll it be? I’m sorry, an Awakening. No, we don’t serve that here. This is MUG, not Midnight Mug. We don’t do that. No, we don’t make exceptions. Why? Because we don’t. You want me to ask my supervisor? I don’t have that — I have a manager; did you want me to ask him? I hate you.

Sir, I have asked my manager and no, I won’t honor your request. Also, you’ve been in line for 15 minutes and can’t decide on a drink. Would you like me to suggest something? Oh, you’ve decided? Do we serve it here? We do? YAY! And you want … a small coffee? You’re killing me. Anyhow, here it is. Have a nice day … and you want some food?

Do you know how hot this coffee is?

Fine. What do you want? Yes, the biscotti is delicious. They aren’t big enough? Try a muffin. Too chocolatey? Try a banana. You don’t like bananas? I don’t like you. So we’re both unhappy.

A pastry? Good enough. What’ll that be on? Flex? Excellent. And of course, you don’t have enough. Will debit do? Yes? No. You also don’t have enough. What do you want to pay with? Cash? Fine. Knowing you, and I don’t, you’ll pay with pennies. Of course I’m being sarcastic. You clearly have nickels. And you were accepted to this school? Who does your family know?

Sir, yes, you behind him in line, would you please clock him? I’m explicitly forbidden from doing so. Thank you, sir. Now, what’ll you have? The same thing he did? But …

I will kill you.

I swear, I thought we were smarter than this. This is GW shit. Really, if I wanted to put up with idiots who don’t realize that a cream-based drink is not coffee then I would work at Starbucks. I hope the caffeine high makes your head explode.