Shocking reports continue to emerge regarding the student body at large, which has some how managed to not get drunk over Thanksgiving, during exams, or on most weekdays. The sobriety, which is a break from the normal 24/7 drinking that students partake in with only brief pauses to attend class, marks the first time in the new millennium that the majority of the student body has not been severely inebriated or otherwise impaired.
The change, which most students became aware of during sudden epiphanies while studying, was immediately followed by many cries to that effect. As screams of “wait, I’m not drunk right now!” filled the air, a chain reaction of realization was started as most students became cognizant of their non-inebriation. Even more shocking, most students promptly returned to their studying! Strange happenings, indeed.
This is a break from long-standing trend, which held that students should celebrate and make merry (see Burnett’s, non-sweet tea varieties) on all special occasions. For example, federal holidays, the days before, after, and of exams, and Wednesdays. However, a majority of students report only drinking lightly this past Wednesday, the end of a decades-long tradition. Some students have claimed studying and family interrupted them before their eleventh shot, the average amount it takes to outpace a Georgetown liver. Others claimed that their elderly relatives over for Thanksgiving were unwilling to pump the keg in their room and that the party just wasn’t as fun without Nana. But all agree that for one reason or another, drinking has briefly lulled among students.
Not everybody on campus has seen this as a negative change. The Georgetown Program Board, which hosts a variety of non-alcoholic activities under its umbrella banner “What’s After Dark?” was first to laud the change, stating “maybe this will boost our attendance to at least four people! Don’t get us wrong, we were thrilled to get a whopping crowd of three for our last event, which we spent approximately $2,000 on. But it would be fantastic if we could get those numbers up into the four to five range.”
Fortunately, as some students finish their exams, drinking is returning to its normal levels. Said one student who failed to pronounce her own name, “Thisss iz the greetast tam off mylife. Whassyur name agin? I freaken lovve you main!” Her sentiments were echoed by her compatriots.
For now, it seems that the Program Board remains defeated and the campus is back to normal. Despite this, we at the Heckler wish to implore our readers to not stop their drinking. If you remain sober, then GPB wins. And that is a fate that we here at the Heckler cannot bear to imagine.
