The application process for Resident Assistants is officially over, marking the end of the most lighthearted and bitter fight to the death seen on campus since last year’s process. The system, which managed to be both cheerfully quirky and sadistically cutthroat simultaneously, will be used as judgment to select next year’s crop of resident assistants. The process, which is known for its awkward style of fun and ruthless sabotage among applicants, went as smoothly as it has in past years.
“I’m really hoping I get the RA spot” said one sophomore, Andrew Bennett (MSB ’15). “Seven hundred flex dollars is a really tempting benefit. I tried my best, made sure to smile a lot, and confronted that bitch in the group session who tried to cut me off. I think I have a shot!”
Bennett was not the only student to like his odds. Current junior Jack Staats (SFS ’14), an RA his sophomore year, was equally optimistic. “Yeah, I thought it went really well. I was cheerful, the interviewers liked me, and at least three other applicants got caught with the alcohol I slipped in their bags. So overall, I think I have a really good chance.” Staats continued, “This isn’t my first rodeo. Last time, my RA advised me on which interviewers would accept bribes and how to give a firm handshake. That’s how I scored the job the first time.”
Some students remain opposed to the process, which they deem as “very nice” and “very nasty.” Lucy Butlow (NHS ’14), a junior who has been rebuffed once already, left the process feeling very pessimistic about the selections. “I thought I was doing fine, until one of the other applicants walked past me as I finished and asked me if I’d kicked my heroin habit. I know this is part of the game, but I’m wondering if maybe this has gone too far.”
Being an RA is quite lucrative, with room and board covered by the university as well as $700 flex dollars being granted to the bearer with extra flexibility. The entire package is valued around $13,000. Said Bennett, “I wasn’t going to apply but then I realized that I could replace Leo’s with Epi like three times a week. Now, I’d kill for that job.”
Previous notable occurrences during applications include the forging of other students’ paperwork, the booby-trapping of purses, and one student whose clothes, bag, and shampoo were scented like marijuana.
“I’m just glad it’s over” said Butlow. “I mean, it’s important and all, but is it worth the death threats? The excessively cheerful death threats? It’s like a scene from Saw.”
Reports emerging from the Office of Residential Life indicate that almost all current RAs will retain their spots, making interviews moot