GEORGETOWN- In a move that has left students both excited and deeply confused Georgetown’s Office of Transportation Management has announced a new GUTS Bus
to Nowhere. The new line will leave from Dahlgren Chapel on the 42nd minute of every other hour, taking passengers down to the Lincoln Memorial, through Anacostia, past the Chinatown Fuddruckers, then to Baltimore somehow, and then back to Dahlgren. There will be no stops. OTM spokesman Benjamin Drexel, expressed his optimism that the line will become increasingly popular with Georgetown students: “Hoyas should know that we take their opinions very seriously. We understand that the GUTS free shuttle service is an important tool for Hoyas, not just to reach Metro stations, but also to explore the greater D.C. area. And you really haven’t seen D.C. until you’ve passed by the Chinatown Fuddruckers. I mean have you seen that place? The name is ridiculous…Fuddruckers…This press conference is over.” When news of the addition first broke students were taken aback. Sophomore Casey Whitmire said, “I mean if anything I just wanted the GUTS bus to Dupont Circle to run more on Sundays but I guess this is cool. It’s nice there’s one that goes to Baltimore now…except you can’t get off. I’m sorry why is this being done?” Senior Taylor Egan was also confused: “Outside of the fact that the route, spatially, makes no sense, what’s with the name? GUTS-Nowhere sounds like everyone who gets on is going to be killed and dumped in a ditch.” When asked for further comment OTM assured the Heckler that GUTS-Nowhere is just the start of an ambitious revamping of the GUTS line continuing with GUTS-ICC, GUTS-Marymount Univeristy, and GUTS-Moon once the technology catches up.