Dear Dahlgren Chapel Vandals,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that I rarely feel moved to speak out on the twaddle I read in The Hoya.  Between leading the unsuspecting off the path of righteousness, tormenting the souls of the damned, and shooting skeet with Wayne LaPierre, I am a terribly busy demon.  Besides, whenever I do feel so inclined, my column in The New York Post is a more than sufficient media outlet.  So when you have me writing a letter to The Heckler, you can damn well be sure I’m worked up!

Who do you guys think you are, vandalizing a church?  I mean, I’m the Prince of Darkness and that’s too low even for me.  Is that your idea of fun?  Wrecking a church?  Where in Hell do you get the gall to do something like that?  Seriously, I literally have no idea where in Hell you got the gall to do that…and I live there!

Let me try and put this in perspective for you idiots:  You went into a building that 1.2 billion people consider holy ground.  You then proceeded to trash said building and damage religious iconography in the process.  It was disgusting and you should be ashamed.  Vandalizing places of worship is something you simply don’t do.  How do you think I would feel if the Knights of Columbus went and spray-painted crucifixes over the Occult chamber the Georgetown Stewards built for me in the steam tunnels?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “C’mon, Satan, we were just taking a swing at the Catholics.  Surely you can appreciate that!”  Don’t get me wrong, I hate Catholics; I really do.  As far as I’m concerned, Catholics are all a bunch of do-goody, Christian losers with none of the redeeming vices of Protestants.  But even if they reject me, and all my works and all my empty promises, I will say this: I have a lot of respect for the Catholic Church.  I’ve been trying to take the Church down for 2,000 years without success.  I’ve thrown everything at them—the Romans, Napoleon, Dan Brown—and it’s still standing.  The fact is the Catholic Church is a worthy adversary.  It would be a pretty boring way to spend eternity if everyone were as easy to corrupt as the pagans were.  And don’t even get me started about the Georgetown Jesuits!  If you’ve seen The Exorcist, then you know what I’m up against.  My point is this: I take real pride in my eternal battle with the Church.  I would never sucker punch the Church like you did.  I have too much respect for them and, more importantly, I have too much respect for myself.  You guys deserve as much respect as Tonya Harding.

I remember when college pranks really used to mean something.  Back when I was going to school at Syracuse I had some good times.  There was this one pledge in my frat.  Job.  I made his life a living hell!  There’s a fine line between being evil and being stupid, and what you guys did was just plain stupid.  You weren’t even close.  Did it ever occur to you that Georgetown probably got security camera footage of you?  Even failing that, you did this all under the eye of an omniscient deity, and believe me, He is not happy.

Anyway, I hope for your sake that you vandals get to confession soon, because when you die, I’ve got a special place reserved for you down here!  I assume you are familiar with Dante’s Inferno, so you know that I’m currently chewing on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas down here in the ninth circle of Hell.  Well, you guys will be spending eternity in the tenth circle…shoved up my ass!

Best wishes,

Satan

Satan, Prince of Darkness, is Ruler of Hell and Capturer of Billions of Souls. Be sure to check out his syndicated column “It’s the Damndest Thing” in the New York Post and BuzzFeed.