The following excerpts were stolen from the Office of Student Affairs’s “pending disciplinary action” file by the Heckler’s exclusive News Ninjas:

Q. Hi there, peer advisor. I’m a new freshman having problems with preregistration, can you help me out?

A. Hi there, freshman. Let’s get one thing straight; I’m not your mommy and I’m absolutely not going to hold your hand. Preregistration is a sacred ritual that all freshmen must undergo on their own. Besides which, it’s not like you’re getting any of the classes you want.

Q. Help! I got 2 8AM classes and I’m not sure I can wake up that early!

A. That sounds like a you problem.

Q. I have a time problem: my job as a swimsuit model conflicts with one of my classes. Can you help?

A. Of course, baby! I’ll tell you what, I’ll come over to your room and guide you through it step by step. I can hang out for a few hours and answer any questions you may have! Then afterwards we can a few drinks and see where the night takes us.

Q. I’m a guy.

A. Never speak to me again.

Q. I’ve been feeling really homesick lately and don’t know what to do. Is there anything on campus that might help me?

A. Luckily for you, Georgetown is located right next to scenic Ronald Reagan Airport, where you can catch a plane back to wherever you came from and never come back. This has the additional upside of us not having to deal with each other anymore. Sayanora, frosh.