To combat the new H*yas for Choice Condom Delivery Service, which some fear may lead to an increase in instances premarital sex, Georgetown’s Jesuit community is instituting a new rapid-action Abstinence Convincing Service for parties.

The Heckler interviewed the director of the program, Fr. Dennis Holligan, SJ, in his office in Wolfington Hall. His office is sparsely decorated save for a poster of a young women gazing up at Jesus with a caption that reads, “The BEST Hook-Up.” He admitted that the decision by the campus’ pro-choice group to make condoms more readily available to students was a game-changer: “Having condoms delivered to a party like so many bags of chips or decorative napkins poses a severe moral challenge to this school’s Catholic identity.” He then told us of the opportunities for the new initiative: “My attitude is the best defense is a good offense. If we want to stop kids pre-coitus we’re going to have to go where they go, act how they act, and make the case in language they understand.” When asked for examples he paused for a couple seconds, then awkwardly placed a baseball cap on backwards and told us to, “Consider chillaxing, brosef.”

The plan of action for the Abstinence Convincing Service has been derived from multiple sources but mostly from David Petraeus’ groundbreaking “U.S. Army/Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual.” If a Georgetown student is hosting a party a network of informants, composed mostly of Knights of Columbus members, will alert the Jesuits. They will then select one of their own to be deployed to the party, posing as a beer deliveryman. When the host tells them that they didn’t expect any deliveries and asks why they’re wearing a priest’s collar, the Jesuit will casually dismiss their concerns and invite himself in. He will then do everything in his power to keep students’ burning loins in check. This can include anything from actively separating men and women who seem to be talking too much to replacing the party’s playlist with a pre-arranged selection of Pat Boone and Gregorian chants, to telling attendees, “Hey, let’s make sure that it’s just this party that’s bangin’, am I right?

Trial runs for the new service have received mixed results as the embedded Jesuits often fail to ingratiate themselves fully into the social scene. Fr. Martin Grey, SJ, recalled a particularly bitter experience: “It was a nightmare. I basically had to sneak in through a bathroom window because they wouldn’t let me in. I then tried to mingle but all the students were just staring at me. I tried to lighten the mood and mention the music but I didn’t know who the artist was so I just said, “This dance music sure is grindable.” Unfortunately they threw me out before I could transition to, “But maybe we should all try grinding out homework essays instead.”

While initial results are unimpressive the Abstinence Convincing Service has vowed to press on. Fr. Holligan put it best at the end of our interview saying, “As long as college students are having sex, we’ll be there.”