During the second of her twice-daily walks to Yates Field House, Georgetown University in-house dietitian Bethany Douglas saw your gelatinous frame struggling to walk up a hill and thought about it for a long time, sources confirmed Thursday.

Concluding that your exercise routine is non-existent and that your diet consists solely of suet smothered in vegetable shortening, Douglas fell into a vivid daydream in which she sadistically mocked your flabby body through a series of degrading tests.  Using the power of her mind’s eye, she imagined pushing a shirtless you into a chair, or perhaps a sofa considering your size, and slapping your stomach to create ripples that spread throughout your entire body.  Oh, how she laughed at your pasty, lardaceous torso completely in her head without giving those around her the slightest inkling as to what the content of her thoughts may be!

“Get up!” she shouted at you, relishing in your shameless attempt to stand and shrieking with delight as gravity sucked your bloated frame back into your seat, which at this point she imagined as a full-sized trampoline, the only thing capable of supporting your unwieldy mass.

Douglas’ fantasy continued as she revealed her toned, healthy stomach to you, which she said should “serve as an example” of something that you are “too lazy and repulsive to ever attain.” The imaginary assault reached its zenith when Douglas unlocked her notorious Produce Chamber to reveal a set of fresh vegetables, which she asked you to identify one by one.

“Tell me what this is!” she screamed doubtingly at you, holding a carrot two inches away from your quivering face.  By the time you gurgled “carrot” through a haze of drool and terror, reaffirming Douglas’ beliefs that you are “beta as shit,” she had moved onto the next vegetable.

Cycling through tomato, lettuce, and cucumber, Douglas finally picked up a leafy green vegetable and demanded that you identify it.  When tears began streaming down your face and the question was met with unintelligible, frustrated babbling, Douglas recognized that you did not know what kale was.  The true sign of a diet-ignorant piece of human garbage.

“Hide your face, creature.  You are not worthy of sunlight,” Douglas hissed as she banished you to Hell for all of eternity.

Upon reaching the doors of Yates, Douglas forgot what she had been thinking about and went on with her day.