The Dahlgren Chapel of the Sacred Heart will be rededicated this Saturday after over twelve months of renovations. Here are some of the new features students can expect to see in the chapel:

• Magnetic locks on doors will prevent bad Catholics from leaving after Communion
• Chapel to display macaroni art Stations of the Cross designed by second grader Timmy O’Leary, winner of Georgetown’s “Doodle for Dahlgren” contest
• In addition to Communion wine, the vestry will now feature a full bar
• Landegger Family Organ now the Landegger Family Calliope
• Holy water jacuzzi will draw in more converts for baptism by full immersion
• A Georgetown bulldog has been hidden in the stained glass; see if you can find it!
• All candles now vanilla scented
• Paper missals replaced with Kindle tablets; read along with the Gospel or let your kids play Angry Birds to shut them up
• Wall color changed from off-white to eggshell white
• St. Joan of Arc window bumped in favor of St. Bibiana, patron saint of hangovers
• To combat unattainable standards of beauty, the Jesus statue on the cross will now feature the dimensions of the average 270-pound man