Hello, dear readers. We here at The Heckler love a good joke. But today, we would like to take a moment to talk to you about something of a more serious nature. It’s an issue that has struck deeply at the heart of our country and the heart of the university we love so dearly.
Every year, hundreds of Georgetown students will participate in the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. For over three decades, Relay for Life was thought to be a safe, effective way for students to raise money for curing cancer as they marched for twelve hours around the Multi-Sport Field. New research suggests, however, that many Relay for Life participants use the march as an excuse for epic pre-games, unwittingly exposing themselves to an equally serious health threat: cirrhosis.
Exactly what about Relay for Life leads so many students to feel the need to drink before, and at times during, this dangerous charity walk is as yet unknown. Perhaps it is to make a bold statement? (“Cancer may kill my grandma, but it will never kill this party!”) What is known is that the sheer quantity of alcohol imbibed during Relay for Life has done irreparable damage to the livers of hundreds of Georgetown students over the years. The staff of Relay for Life has been less than successful in discouraging this phenomenon. While we applaud the efforts of the Relay for Life participants, the only thing harder than walking around a field for twelve hours will be these students’ livers the next morning.
Most of the danger of Relay for Life stems from where it falls on the calendar. By the time Relay for Life arrives in April, most students still have not sobered up after both Spring Break and St. Patrick’s Day. Moreover, Georgetown Day always follows closely on the heels of Relay for Life, further exacerbating the problem. During this celebration of the university, students’ revelry reaches its annual height and the collective campus BAC spikes to 0.25. The effect on the larger community is decidedly mixed. On the one hand, DC’s homeless earn hundreds off the deposits on discarded empties, but on the other, the apoplectic blogger behind “Drunken Georgetown Students” requires forced sedation. Together, these events form a perfect storm for cirrhosis; April sees more diagnoses on campus than any other month.
Cirrhosis of the liver has multiple causes, the most common of which is chronic and excessive consumption of alcohol. People suffering from this horrible disease can experience fatigue, jaundice and renal failure, and may develop diabetes or an increased risk of infections. Worst of all, cirrhosis patients may have to give up drinking for life!
It is in the face of this terrible disease that The Heckler proudly announces its support for the first annual Relay for Cirrhosis, set to take place the morning after Relay for Life. Participants will march around the Multi-Sport Field in a show of support for the victims of Relay for Life, Georgetown Day, and all those suffering from cirrhosis. Along the way, the marchers will also collect any unconscious students that chose to turn Relay for Life into the Bataan Death Chug and deliver their enervated bodies to the university hospital.
The Heckler encourages its readers to show support for Relay for Cirrhosis, either by participating in the march or, more preferably, with a monetary donation. Checks should be made out to “Cash” and slid under the door of The Heckler office (Fourth Floor supply closet, Leavey Center). One hundred percent of donations go directly to cirrhosis research; every penny will be spent funding The Heckler staff’s own continuing investigation into the development of cirrhosis.