The Georgetown community was rocked by scandal yesterday after students uncovered an unmarked grave beneath the surface of Copley Lawn containing the presumed remains of former mascot-in-training, J.J.
The grave was discovered by Alex Ortega (SFS ’15), a cutter on the Georgetown Ultimate Frisbee team. Taking advantage of the upswing in temperature, Ortega and some teammates were practicing on Copley Lawn when he quite literally stumbled over the remains of the perished pooch.
“I was making my bid for the disc when all of a sudden I twisted my ankle in a ditch,” Ortega recalls. “I ended up on the ground and when I looked back to see where I had tripped, there was definitely a bone sticking out of the ground. For a second, I was afraid it was one of mine!”
University Police were notified and soon cordoned off the area. Excavation by a forensics team revealed that the ditch was indeed a sunken grave containing a skeleton typically canine in its structure. The remains were then transferred to the Georgetown University Medical Center where a first-year medical students’ anatomy lab performed a preliminary analysis of the skeleton. Initial results suggest that the deceased was a bulldog of about one year in age. Such a description is consistent with J.J., Georgetown’s former mascot-in-training, a fact students were quick to note.
Jack Jr. (“J.J.”) had been undergoing intensive training to succeed the current Jack the Bulldog for less than a year before university officials tossed him after he was provoked into biting a child. The Heckler published J.J.’s last known communication; since that time, the student body has received no news from him. The administration has repeatedly assured students that they relocated J.J. to a happy new home, but the discovery of the unmarked grave has thrown the truth of those words into question.
According to the medical examiners’ report, the levels of chocolate in the dog’s body were at toxic levels. Additionally, fractures sustained on the deceased’s left femur and three of its ribs suggest the victim may have been resisting someone. All together, these signs suggest a deliberate and forced poisoning.
Student outrage at what appears to be no less than the premeditated and unduly cruel murder of J.J. prompted Georgetown University President John DeGioia to address the university’s student publications in a hastily-called press conference.
“I want to reassure our student body that J.J. is alive and well. Even after it became apparent that the job as our mascot was ill-suited to him, we went to great pains to find him a happy new home. And I can guarantee you that J.J. is really enjoying his new life on the farm,” DeGioia told students reporters.
The press conference proved a tough sell to its audience and the student reporters hounded DeGioia with a succession of blunt questions. Asked how exactly the corpse of a bulldog puppy found its way onto Copley Lawn, a visibly sweaty DeGioia shot back, “Do I know how exactly the dog ended up buried there? Of course not! But look, these things happen. Hell, the world is full of psychos that are looking for places to transform into pet cemeteries and this is just one of many, totally normal problems all universities have to deal with.”
About midway through his remarks, DeGioia paused to take a call on his cellphone: “Hello? Oh hi there, J.J.! What’s that you say? You’re having lots of fun running around with all your new puppy pals? Well, that’s just great to hear! If you’re happy, then we’re happy for you. Come again? Oh, you want to tell the students how much you love the farm? Sure, no problem. Let me just put you on speaker…” At this point, DeGioia held up his phone, from which emanated a series of “ruffs,” “yips,” and “bow-wows” that sounded oddly like Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson doing a dog impression.
The press conference terminated abruptly after a student asked DeGioia about footage picked up by the university’s closed-circuit television. In the thirty-second clip from last August, DeGioia clearly emerges from Healy Hall at around 1:46 AM, dragging a garbage bag containing some bulky object. He is followed closely by Olson, who carries a shovel slung over his shoulder. DeGioia declined to answer this final question, but was heard to mutter to Olson as he left the podium still mic’ed, “I told you we should have just thrown the damn thing in the river!”