GEORGETOWN — Citing a recent surge in malware attacks, including the powerful “Heartbleed” security breech, Georgetown

Chief Information Officer Lisa Davis urgently requested all Georgetown students destroy their technology.

At a sparsely-attended emergency press conference in the UIS Executive Office on Wednesday Davis outlined how the crisis

unfolded: “at first we requested everyone change their password, but that didn’t work with the arrival of Heartbleed so now we

formally request the university destroy all electronic technological devices.” Vice Chief Officer Andrew Mericat added that

students will receive several emails in the coming days about how to properly destroy their technology and those who fail to

comply will “be locked out of their accounts.”

Davis stressed the urgency at which Georgetown students need to react: “When [Heartbleed] came to our attention it was

clear we had to execute ‘Operation Unthinkable’, the destruction of all technology at Georgetown.” The plan, years in the

making, has accounted for 90% of UIS’s budget over recent years.

In a powerpoint presentation Davis and her staff outlined life post-technology at Georgetown. “In phase one we will transition

from Hoya Mail to a horse-based courier system. Any technology post-1900 is a severe risk for a privacy breach,” said Davis.

“MyAcess and Housing-at-a-Glance will also most likely be horse-based, but we are working on that. Be on the look out for an

email”

“The bottom line is more jobs for students and horses,” added Mericat.

The move has been endorsed by the Georgetown University Student Quaker Group, but has received no other backings from

Wednesday's Georgetown UIS press conference drew multiple attendees.

organized student groups. At press time the move received tacit

support from the administration. “UIS? Oh yeah. Love those

guys,” said University President John DeGioia. “Definitely read their

emails. Definitely.”

On campus, student reactions ranged from apathetic to very apathetic.

“This again?” asked Angela Frier (COL ’16) about the password

change. “Yeah, yeah. Let me just do other things with my life

first.”

“Yeah, I changed my password once.. er, no wait. I took out the trash once. That’s it,” said Jake Hutchinson (MSB ’15)

“Oh, yeah, UIS.. that’s that new indie band right?” said Andie Hurowitz (SFS ’17)