WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing his “complete lack of preparation” for the world outside of the front gates, Senior Chris Mitchell (MSB ’14) quietly preregistered for classes last week for the fall of 2014 in the hopes no one would notice.

“Well I wasn’t locked out of pre-registration on MyAccess,” said Mitchell in an email to The Heckler. “So that’s a start.”

Mitchell, who filled out five slots of his preregistration with intro-level English courses, has already completed all the course prerequisites to be a marketing and accounting double major this spring.

Described as “unremarkable” and “usually present” in his courses by professors, Mitchell has avoided the job hunt which has engulfed most seniors’ attention by taking twenty minutes last Tuesday to submit preregistration.

“Pretty brilliant, I think,” said Mitchell. “Why would I want to leave this place? Out there you have to wake up early and binge drinking is socially unacceptable.”

Mitchell has vowed to take "all necessary measures" to avoid graduating.

“Oh, shit,” said Erin MacIntyre (MSB ’14), who will be working as a Human Capital Consultant with Deloitte after graduation. “That is genius.”

“My parents didn’t ask over break what my plans were for the fall,” said Mitchell. “They said they were ‘tired of being disappointed.’ So I think we’re good there.”

Mitchell, whose ideal course schedule for the fall would be Literary History I, Shakespeare 001, and English as a Foreign Language, believes being approximately five years older than his classmates would give him a “definite” edge.

In terms of residency Mitchell was initially distraught that he was ineligible to receive a fifth year of on-campus housing, but was relieved to hear of the university’s plans to increase on campus housing options.

“I also definitely lost my convocation robe, so there’s no way in hell they are gonna let me walk in graduation,” said Mitchell.

When asked about Mitchell’s status, Provost Robert Groves simply asked “will he pay tuition?”