On the night of April 21st, 2014, I dreamt that David Rubenstein, Georgetown’s Vice President of Finance and Treasurer, was chasing me down an endless corridor of funhouse mirrors. As I flew in terror across those white marble checkered floors, I could hear Rubenstein’s voice bellowing over a haunted cacophony of cash register cha-chings and warped New York Stock Exchange closing bells. “PNC,” he shrieked. “PNC.” I woke up at 10:00 AM in a cold sweat, grateful that my nightmare had ended. Little did I know, my nightmare was just beginning.
Upon waking up, I reached for my phone to submit a post on the Capital One is Leaving Georgetown University Online Support Group that I established in February (I’m the only member so far, but I’m sure that it’ll be a valuable resource to the community once people realize that it exists), but I was instead greeted by an ominous email from David Rubenstein with the subject “Announcing Georgetown’s New Banking Partner.” This was the moment that I had been waiting for; I knew that my fate lay within the confines of this digital epistle. I opened the message with great hesitation and began scanning for a name. Would it be JP Morgan Chase? Wells Fargo? Suntrust Bank?
No. I was not so lucky. As of June 2nd, PNC Bank will be the official bank of Georgetown University. I recoiled from my phone in disgust back into the safety of my sheets upon reading that PNC Bank would replace the infallible Capital One. I needed it to soak in. Needless to say, I did not go to class that day.
From the perspective of an avid Capital One enthusiast (just check out my Capital One fan fiction), I know competitors like the back of my hand, and PNC Bank is the least worthy. They have one of least compelling Real Time Gross Settlement systems that I know of, their tellers are notoriously old, and PNC Bank chairman Jim Rohr lacks gumption. You know what? Fuck PNC Bank. There. I said it. Now you know.
An artist's depiction of Devyn's nightmare.
I had hoped that a mediocre bank like Citigroup would come along and that I could at least be complacent, but replacing Capital One with PNC Bank is an absolute outrage. I simply cannot allow such an injustice to take place on this campus. This is a call to action.
In response, have decided to establish a rogue bank, Capital Two, in my dormitory. With the last $250 that remains from working at my uncle’s landscaping company last summer, I will make loans to students with the same rates and ethics as Capital One, my bank’s dignified and benevolent predecessor. I will ensure that Capital One is remembered. This flame will never die.
When a great evil has been introduced to the campus that I love and call home, it is my moral obligation to rise against it. You see, I think that the band Rage Against the Machine had it right when they recommended that I should rage against the machine. I will fight tooth and nail for Capital Two to overcome PNC Bank, and I’m confident that it will; if I die in the process, then so be it. At least I will have died for a noble cause. PNC Bank, prepare for war. Devyn’s comin’a getcha.