PINK HOUSE — In an attempt to maintain high spirits in lieu of the ability to maintain an erection, Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) brother Sebastian Wilner (SFS ’15) described his persistent erectile dysfunction as “classic” last Thursday, sources confirmed.

Following what has been described to The Georgetown Heckler as a “total rager,” Willner allegedly removed his Vineyard Vines embroidered flag whale club shorts in the presence of intended hook-up Jessika Gartner (Col ’17) to reveal a totally flaccid and unrousable 2.5” penis.

“It was really embarrassing for me,” said Gartner. “He just kept nervously grinning and saying that Viagra would be ‘fucking clutch right now.’ Also, you’d imagine that [Sebastian] would’ve been ashamed of his dick paralysis, but he kept looking down at it proudly and tenderly whispering “you’re a frat dick, you’re a real man’s dick” before slapping the tip against his palm like he was giving it a high-five. It was bizarre.”

In a press conference Monday, Wilner spoke candidly to reporters about the incident. “It was pretty chill. Once I realized that I definitely wasn’t going to get it up, I made a frozen pizza with my boys and went to bed.” Wilner then caught a frisbee mid-statement, tossed it back to an unseen individual in the crowd, and continued. “Yeah, Jessika was totally into it.”

At press time, Wllner succeeded in achieving a “half-chub” upon catching a glimpse of himself in a mirror at Yates.