A 5 x 7 placard has been placed in every room of the Washington Community Hospice.

WASHINGTON COMMUNITY HOSPICE — Hailed by university administrators as a lucrative way to increase Leo O’Donovan Hall’s market share, posters reading “It’s Never too Late for a Meal Plan” have recently been placed in every room of the Washington Community Hospice.

“It really is never too late for a meal plan,” remarked Karrie Kuntz, assistant residential food service director at Leo O’Donovan Hall (Leo’s).  “And just because these people are going to die within the next couple of months doesn’t mean that their dollars and unused swipes are going with them.  It’s like I always say: Once you’re dead, why get fed?  The bottom line here is that this is a mutually beneficial solution.”

The large white and orange advertisements urging terminally ill patients to “leave the cooking and dishes for us- you’ve already got a lot on your plate,” display the various meal plan options available for the fall semester, a period of time that hospice patients are almost guaranteed not to survive.

“They put this big sheet of paper right over my windows, so it’s dark most days,” death rattled 87 year-old Washington Community Hospice patient Walter Bromley (COL ’49).  “I used to have a beautiful view of a park, but now it’s gone.  I like to pretend that the Einstein Bros Bagels logo is the sun.”

To accommodate the increasing number of terminally ill patients purchasing meal plans and as part of its “We Heard You!” campaign, Leo’s has been forced to make fundamental changes to its menu and dining policies.

“One of the first signs of approaching death is the loss of appetite, so we’re trying to adapt.  For example, we switched out the sandwich bar upstairs for an IV drip station that offers a variety of painkillers and sedatives,” said Leo’s manager Jex Blackmore.

“And we just created a new policy in which you can’t swipe your friends in; only the person that bought the meal plan can enter.  We don’t want living people using dead people’s swipes once they’re in the ground.”

At press time, a number of faculty published a highly controversial paper questioning the ethicality of Leo’s advertising tactics, asserting that the consumption of Leo’s food by the dying is tantamount to assisted suicide.