LAUINGER LIBRARY — High-ranking sources within Midnight Mug have confirmed that one of the store’s eleven new hires was released by the coffee shop earlier this week.
Upper Management refused further comment but several anonymous employees within The Corp have identified the fired employee as freshman Matthew Green (MSB ’18) and the reason for his dismissal centers around a game of Never Have I Ever played at their first pregame.
“He was just too much,” says anonymous Midnight Mug employee, “someone said ‘never have I ever hooked up with someone in an academic building’ and he then spent a full 10 minutes trying to get their definition of ‘hook up’. In the end he didn’t even put a finger down.”
Another source reveals that Green felt the need to tell personal stories and ask if that situation applied to the question asked during one of the store’s first gatherings of the year.
“Yeah I said ‘never have I ever made out with anyone in a car’ and he then started telling a story about him and his high school girlfriend on a train and asking if that counted, and before we could even answer he was telling a story about how he once felt a girl up next to a car and asking if that could count,” says another employee.
This sort of behavior is not uncommon amongst freshman and is not entirely eradicated amongst upperclassmen, but is still classified as a Class A “really freaking annoying” offense.
“At The Corp, we’re supportive of our employees telling stories about crazy parties,” says a department of human resources official, “but usually we prefer it when they tell other people about our parties. That’s why we hang signs on you and post a million pictures on Facebook and storm your walls. Otherwise it’s just annoying.”
It is reported that later in the night, Green had a rosemary and olive oil bagel shoved into his mouth to keep him quiet and was later forced to drink burnt coffee as a punishment. After a meeting of the service management, they agreed that this sort of behavior was unacceptable for the store’s image and fired Green.
Green’s backwards baseball hat and red Corp crew neck taken away the next day.