Licking his lips and rapidly tapping his fingers on a podium at a press conference on Tuesday, Georgetown University President John J. DeGioia unveiled a tentative plan to construct over 600 gazebos on campus over the next three years.

The new “Healy Gazebo” DeGioia has proposed.

“Gimmi those Gazebos!” shouted a visibly excited and slobbering DeGioia to an audience of confused reporters. “Mmm, Gazebos. Want em all, build gazeebs!” Opening his eyes widely and smiling mischievously, a hunched DeGioia then tiptoed toward a blown-up photo of a gazebo projected onto a white wall.

“Construct, construct, construct!” DeGioia added. “Campus, replace with gazebos! Healy Hall replace with Healy Gazebo! Open air, Georgetown future! No walls, open-air!”

As the projector shifted to a photo of White-Gravenor, a structure that is not a gazebo, DeGioia let out a tortured wail and began weeping. “No, no, no!” DeGioia cried as he lay on his stomach, pounded his hands and feet into the floor in protest. “No, no, no!”

However, when a photo of a gazebo appeared, DeGioia rose to his feet once again and began giggling in a fit of giddy ecstasy. “Gazebos everywhere! Campus littered with gazebos! No want? No come to Georgetown!”

“He wants to destroy the entire campus and replace it with gazebos. No one wants that,” one woman stated when asked how she felt about DeGioia’s plan. “He doesn’t even want to leave room to walk, he just wants every inch of campus packed with back-to-back gazebos. And we all know that construction would take more than three years.”

At press time, DeGioia had demanded that the university be renamed “Gazebotown University” and declared war against University of Maryland, Rotunda.