WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing the need for more research to make a better campus, the administration announced that they will be sending out a survey about surveys.

Recent data suggests that the number of surveys the administration has used has shown exponential growth while student interest in surveys according to a recently conducted survey is at a low. 

This findings is particularly troubling because President John J. DeGioia recently stated in an interview that Georgetown University’s strength comes from its long tradition of Jesuit values, long tradition of academic excellence and long tradition of long surveys. In response to this inconvenient truth, the administration has pledged action on this critical issue.

Provost Groves told the press that “the new survey is an initiative to investigate the investigativeness of surveys. Due to recent concerns by the administration as to the effectiveness of surveys we will now be investigating surveys with a survey. This survey is mandatory.” The administration also made it clear that if students do not complete this survey they will receive a slightly strongly worded email reminder to do the survey.

If students still do not complete the survey the administration said that students will receive a passive aggressive reminder. If this still fails the administration says that the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will not let you go to heaven until the survey is complete.

The administration also has made it public that the survey is no big deal and will only take between 5 minutes and an hour. The mass email is set to go out tonight to all Georgetown students and hopefully not all of the alumni as well.