NEW SOUTH – As the temperature has started to drop and the unhygienic conditions of dorm life are taking their toll, the lone healthy freshman in all of New South, Chris Sullivan (MSB ’18), told reporters he has felt considerably more left out as everyone he knows has begun complaining about being sick.

Sullivan’s (MSB ’18) Google search history revealed has been looking up ways to lower his white blood cell count.

Earlier this week in the common room, as all of his peers were having coughing fits and comparing how many hours of sleep they got the previous night, Sullivan reportedly went from being completely silent to incessantly sniffing and coughing.
“I always see him using tissues, but I’m pretty sure nothing ever comes out of his nose,” said fellow freshman Erin Young (COL ’18), “He holds the tissue up as if he is about to blow his nose, but if you actually listen, it doesn’t sound like anything. The guy is literally exhaling into a tissue and then throwing it away.”
Sullivan’s attempts to fit in have become an increasing financial burden as he was spotted recently at CVS buying hundreds of dollars worth of tissues and cold medicine in preparation for his “imminent” extreme illness.
“Last Friday night some of us felt so sick that we decided to just hang out in my room,” said Ben Carney (SFS ’18), “Chris came in and saw us taking some cough syrup and made some comment about how awesome the ‘pregame’ was. None of us knew what the hell he was talking about or why he wanted to do shots of Nyquil.”

“He kept trying to make out with the sickest girl in the room,” said Carney.
Sullivan was reportedly last seen in Leo’s following people from his floor as they went to drop off their trays, and proceeding to lick the utensils they had used.

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