REISS — In a landmark defeat for students with disabilities on campus, construction worker Jason Ader rolled wheelchair-bound sophomore Alex Tirole (MSB ’17) into a bottomless pit.

Construction workers working on a new project close to the bottomless pit. (Courtesy Georgetown Voice)

The incident occurred last Tuesday as Tirole passed the Reiss Walkway construction site.  Ader, shouting that Tirole was “moving too slowly” and that “the reckoning hath cometh”, apprehended Tirole and pushed him into the abyss.

“I saw it happen.  It was really fucked up,” said a witness that has asked to remain anonymous.  “I mentioned to one of my friends that maybe the construction isn’t worth it, and suddenly my mail was full of death threats and photos of really big holes.  I’m scared.”

Following a period of student outcry, Construction Manager Lisa Globes said that the chasm that swallowed Tirole, constructed with infinite depth as a convenient method of trash disposal, was never intended to take human lives.

“Oops!” said Globes.  “Whoops!  Sorry, disabled kids!  Our hellish and boundless fissure may be inconvenient, but there’s no alternative.  Jason Ader was just doing his job and one of you got caught in the crossfire.   Maybe you should try avoiding the pit.  Oops-a-daisy!”

Under significant pressure to speak on the incident, Ader gave a statement to the press Sunday night.

“Fuck em, we’re constructing the future.  Everybody got legs in the future, out with the old and in with the new,” said Ader.  “Construction is more important than the students and I’ll push anybody who doesn’t think so down this damn pit.  I am the infallible herald of God’s perfect construction plan; now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

At press time, Tirole was reduced to an increasingly faint wail, largely drowned out by the distant clang of metal colliding with bedrock forever and ever.