WALSH – Citing widespread crop failures, Jeffrey Collins (SFS ’17) allegedly asked Professor Ephraim Mizrahi to be excused from his midterm on Thursday morning in Introduction to Biblical Literature.

Collins wrote in an email to his professor that “the wrath of the almighty has swept down upon me and left the fields a barren waste, so if  it would be possible have an extension on this midterm tomorrow that would be incredible!”

So as it has been foretold it will be.

Sources have confirmed that on Monday the Potomac, “ran red with blood and oozed and boiled most frightfully as was foretold in the scriptures.”

“I’m in it deep with the man upstairs. I’m worried He will come for my first born tomorrow during the exam and could really benefit from a day or two extension,” said Collins.

Local peasants issued complaints, saying, “a sinner has brought this curse upon us. Oh what woe has befallen us!” Local oracles have suggested that Collins could regain divine favor by “sacrificing a boar or a goat on the altar, or maybe a Chicken Madness”

Professor Mizrahi issued a statement saying that, “as usual, requests for extensions on midterms should be substantiated with either a doctors note or the desiccated skeleton of an animal whose brethren have long since fled for greener pastures.”

Collins maintained that he “just needed a couple days to sort this whole thing out and take a quick journey to the depths of the Inferno” and that “it would be really difficult for me to do my best work on the midterm under these apocalyptic conditions.”

At press time, prospects for an agricultural recovery seemed dim as a majority of surrounding fields were, according to experts, “Mostly covered with menacing twisters of dust and skulls.”

Mr. Collins could not be reached for further comment, as he was caught in the middle of a swarm of locusts and fire.