Six months ago, construction to build a new dorm located directly across from Reiss began. Little did we know, that very day, my fellow trees and I were sentenced to death. No trial. No appeals. Not even a warning. What ensued earlier this month was a Tree Holocaust, in which all the trees across from Reiss – with the exception of myself – were brutally cut down.
My question to you is this, students and faculty Georgetown: How do you live with yourselves? How do you stand idle while the trees of this campus were being massacred, sometimes right in front you? Do you feel no remorse? Have you no compassion? What kind of sadistic, evil, dendrophobic school is this, anyway? I get the business school people not defending us, but even you, English majors? Where were all of the hypersensitive pussies?
And you, Biology majors! What fucking else is there to do? I know you people have no social lives, so why is it so hard to chain your bodies to our trunks for a mere 48 hours so that we can live long healthy lives? The only reason the six of you even chose to be Biology majors was because you “loved nature.” Well, guess what. Nature doesn’t love you back! And neither does Penny in Chemistry class, Karl, and she never will! Fuck you, Karl!
You preppy dicks swing from hammocks in our branches, you sit at our trunks while you eat salads (a horrible mixture of your other victims), and you abuse us with your Frisbees. And when the day comes that your administration begins to cleanse this campus of arboreal beauty, you are nowhere to be found. I will be haunted by the sounds of my friends being dismembered and cut into tiny pieces for the rest of my days. All my friends are dead! Do you even know what that’s like? Of course you wouldn’t, you friend-saturated fuck!
These recent events have confirmed a truth I have been struggling with my whole life: trees and humans cannot live in harmony. There is no safe haven for my people while there is also humanity. Therefore, I am formally declaring my secession from Georgetown University. Even though I expect none of you genocidal creatures to recognize my secession, I will dedicate the rest of my life to raising future generations of trees to hate humans.
You know what? I really hope you like the latest human monstrosity that will lie atop the eternal graves of my people. I hope you really love it. Though I have accepted my fate as the lone survivor of the trees outside Reiss I leave you with these words,: fuck you, humanity! Suck my big wooden cock, I’m gonna fill your mouth with my dick splinters, I’m gonna sap down your fleshy throat. Fuck you guys. See you in two years.
The Last Tree Outside of Reiss is currently rooted by the former Reiss walkway and is moving towards the 37th Street exit of Georgetown at a pace of 3 inches per decade
